Category Archives: Buddhism

Gifts

Good news is always the best kind of gift. This time last year, right before Christmas, Jessica, the Stem Cell Transplant coordinator, called me to say they had found a stem cell donor for me. The donor was a 100%, perfect match. 

Jessica sounded almost giddy with excitement. I learned later that the team had started to worry. They were having difficulty finding many donor options for me. They were so relieved to confirm not just a good match, but a perfect one (14/14 alleles). My doctor called me her “Christmas miracle.”

Yesterday I received a different kind of good medical news. My kidney function is dramatically improved for the first time in many months. My doctors agree that the cause of the problem was TMA (thrombotic microangiopathy), and that the TMA is now “resolved.” Bye, TMA.

I was hospitalized for the effects of TMA in June. The immunosuppressant medication Tacrolimus, which is standard issue post-transplant, caused my TMA. TMA results in a cascade of effects, among them lower hemoglobin and higher creatinine levels.

Healthier kidneys, no more TMA–it’s a huge relief. The news nicely confirms how well I’ve been feeling the last few days, both physically and mentally. With healthier kidneys and good management of my blood pressure, I feel more energy during the day, so I’m more active. Once I’ve finished tapering off the current course of steroids, I’ll sleep better too.

Last weekend, before getting the news, I felt inspired to revisit my Qi Gong and lengthy meditation practices for the first time in, well, a very long time. These practices put me in touch with “life force energy.” We all have life force energy while we’re alive, but circumstances and our untamed minds can distract us from staying in touch with it. As a result we feel less alive. 

The last 14 months have been life-threatening, draining, challenging. I am realistic enough to know there are likely to be more bumps on this road. There are no guarantees. So I’m grateful for the practices that help plant me in the center of my precious life. I appreciate the committed doctors who have been so dedicated to making me well. I’m thankful for all my friends and family who share their warmth and caring.

To you and yours, Merry Christmas, happy holidays, cheerful Solstice. 

Life Changes

Life changed dramatically for me and my family when I was diagnosed last year with plasma cell leukemia. The perspective I’ve contemplated for half my life–that situations are impermanent and unpredictable–came alive as a sanity-saver. I’ll be sharing parts of that story here, along with other brilliant stuff. 

The Bardo of Waiting

I wrote an email to a friend this morning:

I am getting familiar with that in-between, waiting, confused, gap experience. I’m waiting on biopsy results myself–results are due Tuesday. My health over the last year has been one thing after another, since I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis a year ago.

There’s a word for this waiting place from Tibetan Buddhism–bardo. A bardo is a state where we’re leaving something familiar, and the next stage hasn’t fully revealed itself. It’s the most uncomfortable, potentially terrifying place to be. It requires the utmost kindness, gentleness, a light touch of awareness, and an approach of grounding, one-step-at-a-time, and appreciation for the present moment. Continue reading